January is National Train Your Dog Month
Kaylee, an AIR® team member, shares with us a powerful point of view from a sibling's perspective in remembering her sister, Emily, whom we lost too soon.
On January 29, 2021, my little sister Emily Murillo chose to end her life. In her short 17 years here, she suffered a lot, from dealing with ruthless bullies in school to struggling with bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses. Despite the hardships life unfairly dealt her, she was one of the sweetest, most compassionate people you could ever be blessed to meet. No matter how mean a person was to her, if they needed help, she would be the first person to offer it. She had a passion for helping others and animals, inspiring me to begin training my dog Cooper to become a therapy dog to work with AIR®. I know that Emily would be so proud of Cooper and all of the lives that he will touch.
The suicide aspect of my sister’s death has left me with a complex variety of emotions. When we first confirmed it was suicide, I felt a bit of relief that she chose to end her suffering rather than having a cruel end to an already challenging life, and then I felt guilty for feeling that relief. I have felt a bit of comfort in the fact that she chose this for herself, while simultaneously feeling immense discomfort in the fact that she felt so much pain while living that she chose to die. I have felt happy that she’s finally at peace, while also feeling extremely angry and sad that she left us.
One of the aspects of my personal grief that I have struggled with the most this year is the feeling that my grief is overshadowed. Siblings are often called the “forgotten grievers," and I never realized how fitting this name was until having to live it. When a child dies, people will check up on the parents often. While some family members have made sure to check up on me throughout this year, the majority of people will only ask me about how my parents are doing. Being young myself, many of my peers have not had to deal with loss themselves yet and do not know how to support me in mine
This has led me to look to my parents' peers and my family for support, understanding how it often leaves me feeling invisible when I am only met with the acknowledgement of my parents' grief. I have lost count of how many people have told me since the day my sister died to “take care of your parents” and have asked me “How are your parents doing?” without a mention of me and what I am going through. While I understand the intent behind these comments, it has caused me to struggle a lot with the feeling of being invisible in my grief throughout this year. It has caused me to feel as though my grief is not as important as my parents. The siblings also suffer this tremendous loss and deserve to have this loss acknowledged, as well.
This year has simultaneously flown by and felt like an eternity. In the year following my sister’s death, I have learned a lot about life, death, and grief. I have an entirely different outlook on life and my purpose since my sister has passed. I feel that I have become a better person, a more caring friend, and a better daughter. I used to think that grief is just a feeling of sadness that gets better with time, but I now understand how all-consuming grief is. People suffering the same loss will grieve in entirely different ways. There is no timeline or “right” way to grieve. Grief is the love you have for that person with nowhere to go, and just like you would love them for a lifetime, you will grieve them for a lifetime.
I have learned to accept and love myself for who I am. I’ve learned to allow myself to feel my emotions freely in order to work through them. I’ve learned to be myself unapologetically, like Emily always was. I’ve learned that I’m always going to be at least a little bit sad after losing my baby sister, and that that’s okay because it’s a reminder of how much she truly meant to me. I am eternally grateful to have been loved by Emily, as anyone who knew her can attest. I am who I am for having known and loved Emily, losing her has touched every aspect of my life. I miss and love you so much, Emily.
About the author
Tricia Baker
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